The ex got wasted last night and decided to message me. Most random conversation ever, full of mixed messages and confusing thoughts. She loves me, wants me to be her best friend, can't imagine living in a world where I'm not happy and living my dreams. She told me what my dream was. Her new boyfriend is honest and nice and would never cheat on her. Her dog shit on the rug. She met a girl who was the same major and also tried to kill herself once. She loves the world, loves everyone, but doesn't love herself. She's giving back all the jewelry I gave her. She went to bed. She got up. Some girl called her boyfriend four times tonight. That girl is a whore. She doesn't want me to die in Iraq. She would kill herself. She might marry her new boyfriend, but she says she says that about everyone because she's insecure. Her new boyfriend is cheating on her, she checked his phone, he was picking up some girl.
I was left dazed and confused. I still love her. Can't imagine being without her and would drop everything in my life if only I could be with her. Want to see her happy. Want her to love herself. Want to be with her forever. I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to respond, didn't know... well, anything. I was just sort of sitting in stunned silence during this whole conversation, feeling so out of touch and out of the loop and for once, not able to say anything to make it better. I wish I could just pour out all the words that I was thinking and feeling and just touch her hand and make all the problems go away and everything all right like it was before. The distance just builds up more and more every day for me, crushing the soul that I am so far away from everything and everyone and everyplace I love and cherish and care about and the things and people and places that make my soul happy. I don't want to be here.
currently listening: regina spektor - bartender
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