i just died in your arms tonight

So I get a phone call this morning that pretty much ripped my heart out and... well, did whatever it is to it that crushing phone calls due to normally-beating hearts. My brother's best friend from high school killed himself this morning. Great kid - I would even consider him one of my own friends, the kind of guy that could always just hang out and make you smile and forget your own problems. Always smiling, always happy. My brother just talked to him a few days ago, and his friend was planning on heading down to Nashville next weekend to hang out. So random, he didn't tell anybody, and the night before he was happy and playing beer pong like nothing is wrong.

It's hard - I'm the big brother, one of the people my brother turns to for support and to give him a shoulder to lean on (and cry on, if necessary). What do I say? What do I do? I'm so far away - I can't just run home for the weekend and talk to him or spend time with my family. All I can do is talk to him on the phone and hope the words that I say help him through this hard time. I just wish I knew the right words, the right actions, to make this easier to get through (obviously, it will never be easy - but at least something to comfort and support him).

I have experience with this situation - my junior year of college, one of my fraternity brothers killed himself. It was so hard for all the brothers - I remember the meeting the night we all found out, and there were a lot of frat boys sitting on the front porch of the house hugging and crying that night. The night before he did it, he was smiling and happy, partying with all of us like always. Again, the kind of guy that would go out of his way to help a brother, would drop everything to cheer someone up or be there when needed. And then the next minute, gone. I didn't go to the funeral - I made up an excuse for that weekend and stayed in my room, out of sight. It hurt too much. How do you go to a funeral for someone who's only 20 years old? How do you watch them bury someone who had made you laugh and smile so much? I regret it to this day though. I regret not going, not showing the support, not at least seeing the brothers and the family and just... being there, when everyone else was going through the hard time. It feels so cowardly now.

It throws into sharp relief my own feelings - since I've been out here, I've gone through periods of sharp depression. I've had panic attacks, I've seen a therapist, I've cut my arms and bear the scars. I kept razor blades in my top drawer of my desk for a long time, just in case I was overwhelmed with the numbness that only the pain could kill. It was stupid and it was self destructive, but I didn't know how else to feel feelings at a time when I was so far away from anyone just to talk to, to reach out to. I had times when I would lay on the floor and honestly think about just getting it over with - but then I would see the picture of my family, or of her, and I would know how much it would affect them and how selfish it would be for me to do that. If I know what it feels like to lose someone close to you at such a young age, how could I ever force people I love to watch them bury me?

Then earlier this year, she cut herself so bad that she had to go to the hospital. In the past, she had cut herself because of depression, but this time was so bad that she eventually had to stop taking classes in school so she could go to a psych program full-time to hopefully help her through her depression. All I could do was watch from here, offer my support, and talk to her on the phone. All I wanted to do was quit going to work every fucking day, just get on a plane and fly home to her - hold her close and never let her go. It was so hard to pretend to care at work, pretend to be a leader and strong and know what I was doing, when inside I was falling apart day by day knowing there was nothing I could do. It hurt more than when I was depressed, because I love her too much (more than I could ever think about myself) to just watch her break down in this way. I don't think I could lose her - I had dreams of being at her funeral, being there when they buried her, and I just would break down in my sleep, waking up to a soaked pillow, curled up into a fetal position clutching at the comforter, wishing she was there so I could hold her and be strong for her.

Sorry if this got all emo and what not. I swear, I'm totally cool - I don't even wear black. Just had a lot on my mind the past few days - I've been planning on posting some of this, and then the events of today just sort of broke through the mist and I had to put up at least some of this. Being able to write it down and let it out is like therapy - even if there's no response, and no one reads it, it just lets me get the feelings and emotions and thoughts out. Every little bit helps.

currently listening: of montreal - the past is a grotesque animal